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“Get over it.”
“Just do it.”
These are words I tell myself every day – unfortunately I don’t always listen. That is because I am one of the millions of people discretely struggling with an anxiety disorder. In my last post, I spoke a bit about my struggles with my body issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I will come out and say that I have Depression and Social Anxiety. There is a stigma in this country about mental illness, but sometimes the people, like myself, who hide it so well are the ones suffering the worst. Anxiety disorders come in a range of specific diagnoses, but we all have from anxiety sometimes.
Do you get butterflies in your stomach before making a presentation at school or work? Do you feel like everyone is staring at you when you enter the cafeteria? Do you sweat bullets when you’re the center of attention? I Do.
Socializing comes naturally to me, but deep down I am the most self conscious person I know. The reason I find this interesting is because I am more self-conscious of my personality than my looks. The silver lining in that is that I really am happy with who I am on the outside. The dark cloud is that I am not happy with who I am on the inside.
I was a social butterfly until I was about 20 years old, but I was able to push away my anxiety by drinking and partying. Gradually the monster of depression crept up on me. I slowly started isolating myself. I know that what really sent me into a downward spiral was my breakup, but the depression and anxiety were monsters deep inside just waiting for their chance to escape -and they took over.
A few years and many medication cocktails later – here I am. I am a strong, confident woman, who is carrying a dark cloud, but I am not trying to hide it anymore. I am pursuing modeling because I’m so confident in myself outwardly. The problem is, when the anxiety takes over, sometimes my body will just not let me do things. I’ve skipped countless casting calls and even turned down appearances because the thought of leaving the house terrifies me. I’ve learned in the past few months that in order for me to be successful as a model I MUST learn how to break out of my comfort zone, which I have been stuck in for nearly five years.
I have actually been following through with my self improvement plan. I have made friends. The next step is allowing myself to spend time with them so I am not so withdrawn. I am RSVPing to events and following through every time, because messing up once could be a career killer. Now I’m booked for live events for the next two weeks. When I’m thinking about it now, I get anxious, my stomach turns… But I will take it one day at a time.
I promise to myself and my readers to overcome this hurdle in my life, and show myself that I am stronger than I let myself be.
#IAmAFullBlossomBeauty – Click the Pic to check out FULL BLOSSOM MAGAZINE!
Keep Curvy and Stay Curious
This is the promotional video for http://www.wearecolorblind.org/ – the #WeAreColorBlind is a campaign against racism, violence, and discrimination. All proceed go to support the Trayvon Martin Foundation.
(See me at 1:17) Glad to have been part of this great movement!
Follow @WeRColorBlind on Twitter and use hashtag #WeAreColorBlind to become part of the movement!
Politically correct terms are ever-changing, so lets find out what’s the word. It seems that in different communities the words change. Lets go over some of the basics (click for links to urban dictionary definitions):
BBW:
In dating and the porn industry, the term for big girls is “BBW” [Big Beautiful Woman]. Do not be easily lured into BBW dating sites unless you really love being fat and it turns you on. The men who date “BBW” women call themselves “FA‘s” [Fat Admirers]. When you enter the world of BBW, be ready for FA’s to try and feed you twinkies for foreplay and ask you to crush them like a pancake (real talk – this has happened to me!). It’s also tempting to try BBW “modeling.” Think about it – all these guys showing so much love for your body that you’ve always been insecure about it. Post topless pics and get paid for it! – HIT THE BRAKES!!!!! your BBW modeling career will soon turn into something like this….. Keep in mind that if you do any adult BBW modeling, say “bye bye” to any future commercial modeling career. If you’re into feeding, gaining, and love love love being fat then go for it – no judgement here! *Note: many twiggy folk will use this word to describe or compliment you, not knowing that its mostly affiliated with porn and fetish, so don’t be offended!
THICK
“Thick” is a sexy word! Urban Dictionary says, “a girl who isn’t fat or skinny, but is well proportioned, has enough meat on her bones in all the right places, most men like the thick ones.” But dont get it twisted – you can be THICK and fat, as long as you’re well proportioned. This term is most used in the urban community. Many, if not most, black and Latino men will say they want a thick girl. Rappers talk about it, big asses are allll up in music videos (psssshh… Even Miley Cyrus’ new video is all about dat ass!) So yeah, “thick” is a good word people may use to describe you, and men will even use it to pick you up (i.e. “Dayum girl, look at those thick gams!”). I like.
Full-Figured
“Buxom and shapely, with broad hips and lots of sensuous, womanly curves.” This is THE word in fashion and modeling. There is even a Full Figured Fashion Week! This word, in my eyes, is empowering. It applies to all of us bigger girls, anyone who is not a twig, no matter the shape of your body. It’s classy, sassy, and sexy! Though other people may not even know this term as an alternative to “plus size,” use it to describe yourself. Personally, I like Full Blossom Magazine’s new movement – #IAmAFullBlossomBeauty. Full-Figured is a fun, fearless word, so USE IT!
Last but not least…..
Being called “fat” still hurts.
Curvy and Curious 