Blog Archives

ASHLEY STEWART Model Explosion – In-Store Show – August 17th, 2013


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Myself and these other lovely ladies will be not only having an in store runway show, but also will be live mannequins at the store! Pageant contestants will be donning our sashes! Presented by D.I.V.A. NYC Pageant 2014!

Click the Pic for all the details!

Energy Up Yo! Brunch – August 18th, 2013


Energy Up Yo! Brunch - August 18th, 2013

I’ll be geting my groove on with the other lovely ladies thanks to Catherine Schuller! Come support Energy Up! Click the Pic for all the details!

Am I Curvy or Fat – What’s the Difference?


Good Question.

Fat     /fat/

Adjective: Having a large amount of excess flesh

Curvy     /ˈkərvē/

Adjective:  (esp. of a woman’s figure) Shapely and voluptuous

Hmm… “excess amount of flesh” sounds pretty relative. I know plenty of girls who have “excess flesh,” but they are far from what I would consider “fat.” (Don’t you hate that?)  So, all in all, I see that must draw he conclusion hat all of us curvy girls are fat. There, I said it. We are fat. But we can still be curvy too – no matter how fat you are.

@PreciousKissOfDeath and myself (@xosersclub) on instagram

@PreciousKissOfDeath and myself (@xosersclub) on instagram

This weekend was filled with new experiences. I went to a runway show in Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn. I had work prior, so I was fashionably late.  I sat down next to a young, African-American, plus size girl to change my shoes.  Dressed in an all black sweatshirt and sweatpants at a block party on a hot summer day, she asks me, “Do you do a lot of modeling?” I told her somewhat, and that I do more acting and such. We engaged in some conversation, and I found out she was only 11 1/2 years old! I told her about this site, and I hope she reads this.

Anywho, after our little talk and mingling with some beautiful straight size models, I realized that – not only was the I only other Full-Figured model there, but I was also the only white person there. Hey, no problem with that, but needless to say I stood out like a sore thumb. Well I made it through my walk, but during the final walk around, I fell on my fat ass at the end of the runway! As the crowd gasped, I gracefully grabbed the next girl’s hand, stood up, an kept walking. The crowd applauded. I stopped feeling fat and felt curvy. If I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. At the same time, I felt like I showed that young girl how hard modeling can really be sometimes.

We are Plus Sized, BBWs, Fill Figured, Curvy, Thick, PHAT, and Fat, but we are as sexy as we want to be as long as we dress right, look right, and keep a fabulous mentality!

Keep Curvy and Stay Curious

Overcoming Anxiety – Just Do It?


“Get over it.”

“Just do it.”

These are words I tell myself every day – unfortunately I don’t always listen. That is because I am one of the millions of people discretely struggling with an anxiety disorder. In my last post, I spoke a bit about my struggles with my body issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).  I will come out and say that I have Depression and Social Anxiety. There is a stigma in this country about mental illness, but sometimes the people, like myself, who hide it so well are the ones suffering the worst.  Anxiety disorders come in a range of specific diagnoses, but we all have from anxiety sometimes.

Do you get butterflies in your stomach before making a presentation at school or work? Do you feel like everyone is staring at you when you enter the cafeteria? Do you sweat bullets when you’re the center of attention?  I Do.

Socializing comes naturally to me, but deep down I am the most self conscious person I know. The reason I find this interesting is because I am more self-conscious of my personality than my looks. The silver lining in that is that I really am happy with who I am on the outside. The dark cloud is that I am not happy with who I am on the inside.

I was a social butterfly until I was about 20 years old, but I was able to push away my anxiety by drinking and partying.  Gradually the monster of depression crept up on me. I slowly started isolating myself.  I know that what really sent me into a downward spiral was my breakup, but the depression and anxiety were monsters deep inside just waiting for their chance to escape -and they took over.

A few years and many medication cocktails later – here I am.  I am a strong, confident woman, who is carrying a dark cloud, but I am not trying to hide it anymore.  I am pursuing modeling because I’m so confident in myself outwardly.  The problem is, when the anxiety takes over, sometimes my body will just not let me do things.  I’ve skipped countless casting calls and even turned down appearances because the thought of leaving the house terrifies me.  I’ve learned in the past few months that in order for me to be successful as a model I MUST learn how to break out of my comfort zone, which I have been stuck in for nearly five years.

I have actually been following through with my self improvement plan.  I have made friends.  The next step is allowing myself to spend time with them so I am not so withdrawn.  I am RSVPing to events and following through every time, because messing up once could be a career killer.  Now I’m booked for live events for the next two weeks.  When I’m thinking about it now, I get anxious, my stomach turns… But I will take it one day at a time.

I promise to myself and my readers to overcome this hurdle in my life, and show myself that I am stronger than I let myself be.

 

#IAmAFullBlossomBeauty

#IAmAFullBlossomBeauty – Click the Pic to check out FULL BLOSSOM MAGAZINE!

 

Keep Curvy and Stay Curious

‘Color Blind’ – A Campaign against Racism, Violence, and Discrimination


This is the promotional video for http://www.wearecolorblind.org/ – the #WeAreColorBlind is a campaign against racism, violence, and discrimination. All proceed go to support the Trayvon Martin Foundation.

(See me at 1:17) Glad to have been part of this great movement!

Follow @WeRColorBlind on Twitter and use hashtag #WeAreColorBlind to become part of the movement!

I Weigh HOW MUCH?!? That Doesn’t Look Right..


When I look in the mirror, I don’t think, “So this is what 225 pounds looks like?”

When I look in the mirror, I do think, “So this is what I look like.”

Why the difference? Because for so many years I never felt like I weighed as much as I did. Maybe it was my lifestyle – the fact that I wasn’t bullied or made fun of for being fat – but I just didn’t feel like the fattest girl in school, but I was. This was all fine and dandy until one day riding the escalators up to the plus size department at Macy’s, looking at the wall-to-wall mirrors around us, I asked my mother, “Do I fatter than her?” She said yes.

I’m not mad at her for being honest. I think that moment changed my life forever (though not necessarily in a good way). From then on, I became obsessed with the number on the scale. I switched between anorexic and bulimic habits – starving for days, then eating more than anyone could imagine in one sitting, and sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself throw up. I don’t think anyone noticed the problem. I mean, duh, fat girls can’t be anorexic or bulimic! Anorexia is only for girls that look like this:

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Right??

WRONG.

In my case, what I saw in the mirror was smaller than what I really was. I saw pictures of other people that weighed the same as me (290 lbs.), like her:

502-290_Jamie_L1

Jamie – 290 lbs.

But I felt like this:

Laura Johnson

Laura Johnson

But I really looked like this:

Me - 2008 - 280 lbs.

Me – 2008 – 280 lbs.

I eventually realized that, on top of my depression, I have some form of  Body Dysmorphic Disorder. According to Wikipedia, BDD is…

“…A type of mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features. The person thinks they have a defect in either one feature or several features of their body, which causes psychological distress…”

BDD  is known to effect 1-2% of the population. It is most usually linked to people with anorexia, and pretty much works like this:

body_dysmorphic_disorder

Though, much less common, my case of BDD worked a bit in the opposite way, like this:

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Weird, right?

Well a huge  help for me was learning. Learning about proportions, metabolism, how medications effect my weight, etc. I think what snapped me back to reality was being integrated into the BBW/size acceptance world in my late teens. I HIGHLY recommend this website to give you an idea of how your weight looks proportionate to your height. It really gave me a great comparison, and helped me learn how to present myself (especially in modeling). Here is my comparison:

So all in all, don’t be in denial of your body. Be aware of your height, weight, and proportions, only for the sake of dressing well! Try (as hard as it may be) to focus on whats really in the mirror as opposed to the number on the scale.  Just like age, weight is just a number!

Stay Curvy and Keep Curious

It’s All About Attitude – How to Get the Guy


I recently became happily engaged to my partner of more than two years. Though I’m only 24, I feel like I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince.

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Growing up, my BFF (fellow curvy girl as well), was a powerful Type-A social butterfly. We may not be close now, but my whole teenage life pretty much revolved around our antics together, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without having her in my life. If she’s reading this, she knows who she is – Let’s call her.. Vidalia. 😉

When I first met Vidalia* she was my idol. She looked older and had been through a lot in her life before we met in 6th Grade. Her self-confidence was something I hadn’t experienced before, still to this day.  At first, it was intimidating – especially when she quickly became the most popular girl in school.  She had a way of commanding attention when she walked in the room, and she got any guy she wanted.  She was friends with everyone at school.  I thought the popular girls are supposed to be skinny, athletic, etc., but she broke the mold. Both Vidalia and I were both big girls with big personalities, I always wondered… Why her and not me??

To be honest, I often got jealous of her and all the attention she got without even trying. We would go to the mall and walk around, hoping to be approached by a guy or two (or three…).  Guys would whistle at her as she walked by, and one day I just said it: “Why you and not me?” She simply stated, “Do you look available?”  It became an inside joke – every time we’d go out, we’d say, “Do I look available?” and burst out laughing.  In the back of my mind, I still wondered, what makes you look available?

After observing Vidalia closely for nearly 10 years – following her on adventures and having all kinds of fun – I’ve come to realize that her attitude – the way she carries herself , the way she leaves the house without makeup or hair done and not give a fuck, her spontaneous personality, and outrageous sense of humor – were what drew people to her.  Gotta admit… maybe sometimes we may have gone a little too far trying to get the guy (you don’t want to know).

Now that we’ve both ventured off into adulthood and both settled down with the men we will marry, we’ve both taken the time to look back and weigh the lessons we learned from our crazy, reckless, teenage years. We’ve both ended up with people that were the opposite of what we dated back then. Know what that tells me? When you try to “look available” you’ll be getting plenty of attention from guys that, frankly, are looking for an available vagina. Let your confidence take over it do the work for you. Some people, like Vidalia, are naturally confident. Others of us have to chip away at our outer layer for years before that inner shine will come through, and when it does, it will have been well worth the wait.

Until you find your inner Vidalia, go ahead and have fun. Make mistakes and learn from them. When it comes to sex, it’s great to explore but always be safe. A baby or STD sure as hell won’t give you the confidence you need. Still remember, life is a never-ending journey to find yourself.

Keep Calm and Stay Curvy

#REALTALK – We All Secretly Want to be a Model


Plus size and full figured models are becoming more and more in demand, especially ever since a Caciqué by Lane Bryant commercial was pulled from the air and web for being too risqué! Now tell me, does this look any more revealing than any Victoria’s Secret commercial?

I mean really, look at Ashley Graham, from this commercial, for instance. Her body is perfect, and she is built to be a model – Amazonian beauty.

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How many of us big girls can compare to that?? I’m sure some of you are out there are blessed like Ashley, but most of us aren’t.

I needed to face the truth – I’m just not pretty enough to compare to any of the plus models out there on the market. [**NOTE** this comment is NOT self-deprecating. This site is about #REALTALK and I’m strong enough to admit my flaws AND try to overcome them]. No one has ever told me, “you should be a model!” I would walk past the model scout kiosks at the mall, hoping at least a scam artist would try and fool me at least, but not even. *le sigh*

Something told me to just keep going… Keep trying, and eventually someone will see that sparkle of talent that lay underneath all these layers of flub. I must admit, as I hinted in my post, What the #@&% did you just call me?, I started venturing into the BBW fetish world at 17, going on 18. Getting attention for my body felt so empowering, but I soon realized that it was the wrong attention. I’m not turned on by my fatness – I am just me, and I’m cool with that. I met people from dating sites that mostly ended up being hardcore FA’s [Fat Admirers], guys who’ve been told that “fat chicks give good head,” even scored a few hot nights with a tall, dark, and handsome Wall Street fellow that had a secret BBW fantasy. But I didn’t want to be anyone’s fetish or secret. I want to be me. When I finally realized the BBW world wasn’t for me, I decided to just focus on getting my life back together (more on that to come…).

Years later, after a serious relationship gone seriously wrong and losing my job, I had a refreshed feeling of ability and empowerment. I browsed Craigslist for modeling gigs, and eventually started networking and getting some opportunities. I soon realized that being a model (or actress) is NOT easy. Going to go-sees and never hearing back, spending money on headshots and comp cards, subscriptions for casting websites, hours spent sending out resumes and pictures… It is frustrating. I haven’t made it, and I probably never will, but hell, I’m confident in who I am and I believe that’s what sets me apart from the rest. If I make it, great, but if I don’t, I had a damn good time learning.

So to wrap up, I don’t want to discourage any of you curvy, bodacious babes to pursue modeling, but choose your path wisely. Don’t be fooled by scammers and assholes looking for blowjobs (sorry, pardon my French). If you’re serious about making a career of plus modeling, try to stay fit, fashionable, and dedicated. If you don’t have the look, don’t worry!!! Wait for my next article that will cover the world of FIT modeling!

Stay curvy and keep curious.

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