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Letter from a Reader – Why Weight?

Dear Curvy And Curious,

Recently I lost 5-10 pounds. I wasn’t eating healthy, I wasn’t working out, I was just stressed out of my mind and the weight just fell off. With my body type, 5-10 pounds is a recognizable difference. All my friends, my family, and acquaintances commented about it.

I’m sick to my stomach over it. All these people, and there has been many, are trying to compliment me. What they are doing, unbeknownst to them, are judging my weight, saying essentially, “you look good now, better than you did before.” I think more people should be aware of their comments – what they mean and the effect they can have. Once I gain this weight back, which I undoubtedly will because I did not lose it in a controlled healthy way, will they remark that I have gained weight? Of course not. Commenting that someone gained weight is wrong because it is a judgement on their bodies. But commenting that someone has lost weight? Oh that’s just fine.

My sister has recovered from an eating disorder that nearly killed her. When she first started losing the weight, I was among these people, “Melissa*, you look great! Keep up the good work!” blah blah blah.. I didn’t know the “good work” was her vomiting after her every meal. Every comment I made to her, and the comments by other people towards her, encouraged her, and the direct focus on her weight fueled her insecurity, her mental disease, putting weight as the topic of discussion. I have learned from this experience never to remark on someone’s shape, and to try avoid looking at their outward appearance entirely. Corney, but it’s the soul that matters.

People make their comments about my weight, “Oh wow! You look like you lost a lot of weight! So skinny!” and I nod, I pity them..and I try not to let them get into my head. I never say thank you, because although they do not mean me harm, this is not a compliment.

I had not weighed myself in years. When I did, it was sporadic. Now, despite my best efforts to keep these people out of my head, I notice I am checking the scale, noticing the number.. the one pound up or down. Because all of these remarks.. I know what people first notice about me. I did not care about gaining the weight back, but now……do I? I do well and overall don’t care, but the judgement and continuous focus and remarks have made it difficult.

I lost it in an unhealthy way.. and society has told us that how you lose weight doesn’t matter.. as long as you are thinner.

I wanted to share this with you because I admire the work you have done on yourself and the work you have done for others. This is not a “fat” problem, or a “skinny” problem we deal with. Making remarks/judgement on appearances is just plain wrong, and I wish more people would see this. Look more into the eyes of people rather than their physical appearance. I have a healthy mindset, but if I did not these peoples remarks would drive me into an anxious and dangerous life style, the way it did my sister.

Food for thought. Thank you for your contributions in this field.. more people should be opening their minds and accepting who they are.


Thanks for sharing your story of confidence and finding yourself. This is what Curvy And Curious is about! Hang in there girl, you’re never alone.


Stay Curvy and Keep Curious


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ASHLEY STEWART Model Explosion – In-Store Show – August 17th, 2013


Myself and these other lovely ladies will be not only having an in store runway show, but also will be live mannequins at the store! Pageant contestants will be donning our sashes! Presented by D.I.V.A. NYC Pageant 2014!

Click the Pic for all the details!

Energy Up Yo! Brunch – August 18th, 2013

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I’ll be geting my groove on with the other lovely ladies thanks to Catherine Schuller! Come support Energy Up! Click the Pic for all the details!

Am I Curvy or Fat – What’s the Difference?

Good Question.

Fat     /fat/

Adjective: Having a large amount of excess flesh

Curvy     /ˈkərvē/

Adjective:  (esp. of a woman’s figure) Shapely and voluptuous

Hmm… “excess amount of flesh” sounds pretty relative. I know plenty of girls who have “excess flesh,” but they are far from what I would consider “fat.” (Don’t you hate that?)  So, all in all, I see that must draw he conclusion hat all of us curvy girls are fat. There, I said it. We are fat. But we can still be curvy too – no matter how fat you are.

@PreciousKissOfDeath and myself (@xosersclub) on instagram

@PreciousKissOfDeath and myself (@xosersclub) on instagram

This weekend was filled with new experiences. I went to a runway show in Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn. I had work prior, so I was fashionably late.  I sat down next to a young, African-American, plus size girl to change my shoes.  Dressed in an all black sweatshirt and sweatpants at a block party on a hot summer day, she asks me, “Do you do a lot of modeling?” I told her somewhat, and that I do more acting and such. We engaged in some conversation, and I found out she was only 11 1/2 years old! I told her about this site, and I hope she reads this.

Anywho, after our little talk and mingling with some beautiful straight size models, I realized that – not only was the I only other Full-Figured model there, but I was also the only white person there. Hey, no problem with that, but needless to say I stood out like a sore thumb. Well I made it through my walk, but during the final walk around, I fell on my fat ass at the end of the runway! As the crowd gasped, I gracefully grabbed the next girl’s hand, stood up, an kept walking. The crowd applauded. I stopped feeling fat and felt curvy. If I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. At the same time, I felt like I showed that young girl how hard modeling can really be sometimes.

We are Plus Sized, BBWs, Fill Figured, Curvy, Thick, PHAT, and Fat, but we are as sexy as we want to be as long as we dress right, look right, and keep a fabulous mentality!

Keep Curvy and Stay Curious

Overcoming Anxiety – Just Do It?

“Get over it.”

“Just do it.”

These are words I tell myself every day – unfortunately I don’t always listen. That is because I am one of the millions of people discretely struggling with an anxiety disorder. In my last post, I spoke a bit about my struggles with my body issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).  I will come out and say that I have Depression and Social Anxiety. There is a stigma in this country about mental illness, but sometimes the people, like myself, who hide it so well are the ones suffering the worst.  Anxiety disorders come in a range of specific diagnoses, but we all have from anxiety sometimes.

Do you get butterflies in your stomach before making a presentation at school or work? Do you feel like everyone is staring at you when you enter the cafeteria? Do you sweat bullets when you’re the center of attention?  I Do.

Socializing comes naturally to me, but deep down I am the most self conscious person I know. The reason I find this interesting is because I am more self-conscious of my personality than my looks. The silver lining in that is that I really am happy with who I am on the outside. The dark cloud is that I am not happy with who I am on the inside.

I was a social butterfly until I was about 20 years old, but I was able to push away my anxiety by drinking and partying.  Gradually the monster of depression crept up on me. I slowly started isolating myself.  I know that what really sent me into a downward spiral was my breakup, but the depression and anxiety were monsters deep inside just waiting for their chance to escape -and they took over.

A few years and many medication cocktails later – here I am.  I am a strong, confident woman, who is carrying a dark cloud, but I am not trying to hide it anymore.  I am pursuing modeling because I’m so confident in myself outwardly.  The problem is, when the anxiety takes over, sometimes my body will just not let me do things.  I’ve skipped countless casting calls and even turned down appearances because the thought of leaving the house terrifies me.  I’ve learned in the past few months that in order for me to be successful as a model I MUST learn how to break out of my comfort zone, which I have been stuck in for nearly five years.

I have actually been following through with my self improvement plan.  I have made friends.  The next step is allowing myself to spend time with them so I am not so withdrawn.  I am RSVPing to events and following through every time, because messing up once could be a career killer.  Now I’m booked for live events for the next two weeks.  When I’m thinking about it now, I get anxious, my stomach turns… But I will take it one day at a time.

I promise to myself and my readers to overcome this hurdle in my life, and show myself that I am stronger than I let myself be.



#IAmAFullBlossomBeauty – Click the Pic to check out FULL BLOSSOM MAGAZINE!


Keep Curvy and Stay Curious

The Strange Ways I Lost 80 Lbs. Without Trying

I don’t like to talk numbers, because the number on the scale is not always accurate to how you look, but for the sake of this blog I’ll spill the beans.

At my highest weight, I was 298 pounds and wore a size 22. Then somewhere around age 18-19 I magically started shedding pounds. Everyone kept asking me, “what’s your secret????” and I would make up some healthy diet and exercise excuse, when really it was my unhealthy habits that contributed to my weight loss. [Please don’t take this as advice, it’s just #RealTalk]

  1. Quit Smoking Weed.  OK, I guess this is healthy to do, but still a weirdly obvious tip. I’ll admit it – I used to indulge quite a bit, but my misadventures led me into some real trouble which prompted me to get my shit together. When I stopped smoking pot, I stopped getting the midnight munchies. Going to a treatment program or NA meetings after work kept me from munching out of boredom. In about 3 months, I had lost 30 lbs without lifting a finger. That emotional high of losing weight sure felt (almost) as good as smoking a bowl.
  2. Love Swept Me Off My Feet.   My weight fluctuated a bit for the next year or so.  At age 20, I was back up to about 280 lbs. Then I fell flat on my fat ass in love. It was not a healthy relationship. He moved in with me almost immediately (I mean like, same day), before we really got to know each other. I’ve always had insecurities about eating in front of guys I like. It was practically a phobia when I was really young. Anywho, this guy was a total SCRUB! When I wasn’t working, I was driving him around or doing things for him. My diet slowly started weening down to 8 cups of coffee through the day, and a chicken patty on a sandwich for dinner, for about 9 months. During the time we were together, I lost about 50-60 lbs.
  3. Love KICKED My Ass, Hard.     He shattered my heart when I found out I was “some white jewish girl [he] uses for money,” at least thats what he told the other girl he was banging behind my back. and I fell into a deep depression. Immediately after/during our breakup, I didn’t eat ANYTHING for FIVE DAYS. Not because I was being anorexic, I was just so fucking depressed. I had to find something to fill the void, so I found me a perfect rebound boy toy. That was fun while it lasted, and was just what I needed to bounce back.
  4. I Became A Workaholic.     Also right after the breakup, I filled my life with work, work, work. In need of a more professional wardrobe, I went on a post-breakup shopping spree at Fashion to Figure – I mean the works… had the sales women picking clothes for me, went ant got my hair cut and highlighted, the whole shebang. I felt sexy as hell! Besides feeling good about myself for how I looked, I was kicking ass at work too. I was in a very high-pressure position and I loved my job. I also had absolutely no time to eat at work. I didn’t take breaks, besides for cigarettes and coffee runs.

By Spring, 2010, freshly 21 years old, I was 80 pounds lighter and felt sexy, but I didn’t feel healthy. I started having fainting spells. It was scary and dangerous. My blood pressure was very low and I felt dizzy all the time. My doctor said I had a B12 vitamin deficiency, and also sent me to a cardiologist and neurologist. The cardiologist told me that I have small heart palpitations and low blood pressure. I got my brain scanned by the neurologist and it came back normal. The only thing wrong with my brain is my depression and anxiety disorders.

I gained back another 10 pounds, but recently lost five more. This post is a commitment to myself that if I want to lose more weight, I will do it the healthy way.


Keep Curvy and Stay Curious.



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