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Don’t Set Yourself up for Failure
We all have dreams, however, not many choose to go and chance them. Why not? Because there is so much risk of failure. Not only is there the risk failing your dream, but you may be scared to fail to support yourself financially, fail to give enough attention to those around you, or fail to complete other goals you’ve set out to accomplish. I, myself, have an enormous fear of failure…..so why the HELL did I decide to enter the entertainment business? I guess because my drive to succeed is stronger than my fear of failure.
When I decided to start modeling at 23, I already had six years of specialized training and experience in my field of work, and a career I was passionate about. When things didn’t work out at my last job, I decided I needed a change. I was burnt out and felt I had invested my entire early twenties in a career I was already at the top of, and I failed in the end. I made a decision to live out the rest of my twenties as if I’m, well, 20-something! Us millennialls are so driven to move up the ladder so fast, we seem to forget about our dreams and aspirations.
Thehe re seems to be a snag in my “YOLO” plan. MONEY! A girl has to make a living while still building her resume doing student films and trade for print shoots to build up the resume and portfolio. With my professional skills, I was lucky enough to find a great part time job in my field of expertise. I (so far) have been able to balance the life in the entertainment business with my “day job” but have had to back out of professional opportunities in order to NOT set myself up for failure.
I know there will come a point in time where I will have to choose between my two passions – work, or “the biz.” Until then, I will keep taking one day at a time and hustle my way to the top!
keep curvy and stay curious
Bullied for Being Fat? More like “The Fat Bully”
So it seems like all I hear about with teens these days (besides childhood obesity) is bullying. I always wonder to myself, “I was fat in high school, why don’t I feel like I was bullied.” I soon realized the answer: I was the bully.
Middle school was hard – I was bullied, but not for being fat. I was made fun of for having my own style. (Having pink hair at the age of 12 isn’t exactly traditional). I dressed “goth,” so some people spread rumors that I was smoking crack in 7th grade. Even though I wasn’t being harassed about my body, I was at my most insecure state in my life. I was too embarrassed to eat in the lunchroom because I didn’t want my boyfriend to see hos fat girlfriend eating…. anything. I would go hungry and then binge and purge. Though these internal behaviors were horribly unhealthy, I believe that the fact that people cared enough to make up these ridiculous stories, rather than bully me for being fat, helped me build my confidence for the future.
That future confidence took a while to set in. As puberty went on, I started cutting myself, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol… anything to overshadow the fact that I was fat. I would have rather been viewed as a bad-ass than “the fat girl,” and it worked.
High school was freakin’ fantastic! Well, somewhat. I had a lot of friends, who were all fat chicks too (or felt fat). We would joke about being fat, share our fat girl problems, share clothes, it was fabulous. Having “Fatourage” (OK, I made that up) definitely was the key to building my self-confidence. Problem is – I built up a bit too much and became a real bitch.
To the few haters our clique had, rather than letting them get me down, I would use my strength and intimidation to avoid being bullied. When the local punk rock band came out with a song called ‘Fat Chicks Suck’ that went viral, what did I do? I punched the kid in the face. What did he do? Made a website about me and how fat and annoying I am. All I could do was laugh, thinking, “Dumbass, I punched you in the fucking face. Who won this battle?”
That wasn’t the only time I used my size to intimidate others. On another occassion, a boy and his friends were yelling fat-insults to my best friend (why not me???) so what did I do? Caught him off-guard and put him in a choke hold in the stairwell, and explained to him that he had no idea what was coming to him if he kept fucking with us. Lets just say I didn’t hear a peep from him again.
So those are examples of what I would call “Defensive Bullying.” But in order to keep up my bad-ass reputation, I couldn’t just bully back. I had to pay it forward too. This wasn’t easy, considering I was the fattest girl in school. I look back now and think of some horrible things I did to people just to feel better about myself.
Here are my examples of my “Offensive Bullying”
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The only big girl not in our entourage was made fun of by the whole school. I would pretend to be her friend to get private dirt on her and spread it to the rest of the school. She told me she wore a size 18 and we made a huge deal about her size, while in the mean time, I was a size 22!
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I broke up with a boy at school, and every time my friends and I saw him, we would call him “Goat” because of his beard and make Goat noises…. ok a litle funny but still mean.
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We got mad at a member of our clique, hacked her MySpace, and replaced all of her photos with pictures of Mr. Ed (the talking horse) because she was made fun of for her teeth. How horrible is that?
I could go on and on, but I think those three are enough to show what an insecure bitch I was. Due to some personal troubles (totally unrelated to bulling), I ended up leaving school my junior year, started a career, and graduated early from night school. I work in the Human Service field, and have been since I was 17. Now my life is spent improving the lives of others rather than trying to ruin them. I think that removing myself from the “group mentality” by leaving school was a turning point, but it wasn’t until I was about 20 that I realized in order to be completely free from my ignorant, angry past, was to let go of my cohorts and star over, on my own.
Now I am a strong advocate for disabilities, mental illness, obesity, bullying, racism, and pretty much anything related to human rights. Bully turned Humanitarian. Who would’a thought?
Related articles
- Is your child being bullying for being OVERWEIGHT? What you can do! (kellygetthin.wordpress.com)
- What if I’m Being Bullied? (illustrationstoencourage.wordpress.com)
- Cyber-bullying brings horror home (bbc.co.uk)
Work hard, Play hard? Yeah, right.
Hey Curvy Girls!
So I am at work thinking , “…should I go all the way to NYC for this audition tonight?” Or “should I bother with that photoshoot tomorrow?”
But at the same time, I’m asking myself, “why am I here at work instead of out doing what I love?” Good Question. Reason is – I am doing a buttload of money trying to break not the business. Let me break it down for you:
I had a horrible experience on a go-see for a model gig the other day. Once I made it to Manhattan, the only place I was allowed to park were princely lots, so I spent the damn $30 to park because traffic had me running a whole hour late. Once I got there, she looked at my photos, resume, and measurements, and without saying a word, handed me pack my packet and told me I was too big for their line. Normally, I think, “eh, no biggie,” but this time, after all the trouble I went through, I broke down and cried out of frustration. Not because she said I was too fat, but because I had spent so much of my hard earned money and hard to come by free time on nothing.
Because of my anxiety, and the fact that I love so close to the city ( in NJ) I choose not to take the train or bus, but the cost isn’t much different. Currently with the number of auditions and bookings I get in NYC here is a breakdown of my modeling and acting related expenses:
- Toll to NYC: $14 x (approx) 3 days per week: $42
- Gas: $20 x (approx) 4 days per week: $80
- Parking: Up to $30
- Total Weekly Expenses to go on auditions and modeling gigs = roughly $150.
Of course, however, this does not include the cost of headshots and Comp Cards, event tickets, etc… So how is one supposed to become a model or actress and not live the starting artist” lifestyle? Not to mention the fact that in the last few months I have barely been home between work and auditions, and now it’s coming to a point where I must choose between my work and my play. I may not believe in a higher power, but if I am meant to be something big, it will happen soon. If not, then I guess it will be time to let go of my favorite hobby. Isn’t it a shame I can’t have my cake and eat it too??
Keep Curvy and Stay Curious
Related articles
- Am I Curvy or Fat – What’s the Difference? (curvyandcurious.com)
- How To Book Your Own Casting Calls & Auditions (prettymenace.com)
- Curvy Model of the Month: Liris Crosse (essence.com)
Overcoming Fear and Failure with Stacey Vornbrock – Tune In to “The Juicy Woman” TONIGHT (8/21/13) @ 8PM
Overcoming Fears & Failure with Stacey Vornbrock 08/21 by Andrea Amador | Self Help Podcasts
Does it feel like your feet are stuck in quicksand because you’re terrified of risking rejection or failure? Are you frustrated
with yourself because you’re just not going for it? Whether in business or relationships, the fear of success and failure are like
two sides of the same coin and if things aren’t clicking, either one of them could be shutting you down. Stacey Vornbrock is a
sports performance pioneer and psychotherapist who works with professional athletes to blow past their fears and bust through
mental blocks. Learn a simple diy stress relief technique called EFT guaranteed to turn your blocks into breakthroughs.
Myself, Andrea, and Michele Hilton
Overcoming Anxiety – Just Do It?
“Get over it.”
“Just do it.”
These are words I tell myself every day – unfortunately I don’t always listen. That is because I am one of the millions of people discretely struggling with an anxiety disorder. In my last post, I spoke a bit about my struggles with my body issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I will come out and say that I have Depression and Social Anxiety. There is a stigma in this country about mental illness, but sometimes the people, like myself, who hide it so well are the ones suffering the worst. Anxiety disorders come in a range of specific diagnoses, but we all have from anxiety sometimes.
Do you get butterflies in your stomach before making a presentation at school or work? Do you feel like everyone is staring at you when you enter the cafeteria? Do you sweat bullets when you’re the center of attention? I Do.
Socializing comes naturally to me, but deep down I am the most self conscious person I know. The reason I find this interesting is because I am more self-conscious of my personality than my looks. The silver lining in that is that I really am happy with who I am on the outside. The dark cloud is that I am not happy with who I am on the inside.
I was a social butterfly until I was about 20 years old, but I was able to push away my anxiety by drinking and partying. Gradually the monster of depression crept up on me. I slowly started isolating myself. I know that what really sent me into a downward spiral was my breakup, but the depression and anxiety were monsters deep inside just waiting for their chance to escape -and they took over.
A few years and many medication cocktails later – here I am. I am a strong, confident woman, who is carrying a dark cloud, but I am not trying to hide it anymore. I am pursuing modeling because I’m so confident in myself outwardly. The problem is, when the anxiety takes over, sometimes my body will just not let me do things. I’ve skipped countless casting calls and even turned down appearances because the thought of leaving the house terrifies me. I’ve learned in the past few months that in order for me to be successful as a model I MUST learn how to break out of my comfort zone, which I have been stuck in for nearly five years.
I have actually been following through with my self improvement plan. I have made friends. The next step is allowing myself to spend time with them so I am not so withdrawn. I am RSVPing to events and following through every time, because messing up once could be a career killer. Now I’m booked for live events for the next two weeks. When I’m thinking about it now, I get anxious, my stomach turns… But I will take it one day at a time.
I promise to myself and my readers to overcome this hurdle in my life, and show myself that I am stronger than I let myself be.
#IAmAFullBlossomBeauty – Click the Pic to check out FULL BLOSSOM MAGAZINE!
Keep Curvy and Stay Curious
Curvy and Curious 